Friday, 23 July 2010

Jessica's tiny life x

Your first name - Claire & Lee
baby - Jessica Robin Syzdelko born to stillbirth 17th june 2005
We are the faces of stillbirth
pic attatched

my story

I got pregnant the 1st time trying with Jessica, I had 4 older children 1 boy and 3 girls and thought we'd try once more for another boy.
id had 4 fantastic problem free pregnancies and thought that her pregnancy would be the same. everything was going perfect. i went for my anatomy scan at 23 weeks she was great at the scan even thou we didnt know she was a she her legs were well and truley closed tight, her hearbeat was beating away we left the scan room on a real high not knowing her sex and thinking wow my 1st pregnancy where i wont find out till the birth i wasn't too disapointed at not finding out to be honest i was rather excited.
She was a real wriggler and kicked me so hard i loved it.... 5 days after my scan i woke up and i didnt feel right i couldn't put my finger on it.As the day went on i felt very little movement from her, then the night before i had what i can only explain now as a struggle from her , that was the last i felt from her. i wish id have gone to the hospital i knew in my heart something was wrong. the next morning i tried to get her moving i did all the things the midwife tells u to do lie down on your left side, had a cold drink, ate something sugary , nudged and prodded my belly. nothing worked.
i had to get the 3 older kids to school before i could go see the midwife. When i got in the little room and the midwife was trying for 10 minutes with the doppler to find her heartbeat , my heart was breaking, i just lay there holding the hand of my youngest daughter who was 15 months old so i had to hold it together so i didnt scare her. i knew , i knew then that she was gone. the midwife rang the hospital and told them i was coming up for a scan to see if she was lying funny and was the reason they couldn't trace her beartbeat. i ran outside and rang lee who was at work to take me up to the hospital.
At the hospital we were taken to the scan room i laid on the bed lee sat in the chair at the side where he could see the screen but i couldn't see it but as soon as he looked at the screen he knew i could see it in his face, he gripped my hand and what felt like hours was only 5 minutes... the words came
''im so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat''.

i was given a tablet and sent home for 2 days so that the placenta and my body stopped my body thinking it was still pregnant, i can't really remember those 2 days i was too traumatised! on the morning on June 17th i went to hospital to be induced.

17th June I gave birth to Jessica Robin Szydelko at 24 weeks gestation weighing 1lb 6oz, after 1 hours labour.
Jessica stayed with us until it was time to leave. We held her, we kissed her, we took many photos of her, We shared her with our family. I looked at Jessica I felt so much sadness all my dreams for my beautiful little girl gone, I was never going to see her cry, see her smile, watch her play with her daddy, stare at her in my arms as she slept.
To have had a daughter die and be so young I have had no chance to even see her alive, losing my perfectly healthy daughter at 24 weeks was and is so incredibly traumatic. It’s hard to even find the words to express what I went through emotionally and physically.
Time to go, I was scared to leave her alone I was scared beyond belief to walk out of the hospital with my arms empty, having to leave the hospital without my daughter was the hardest thing I will ever have to do In my whole life!. We stood and cried, held each other to watch our baby go! leaving her, leaving the hospital alone.
I spent the following days as the funeral approached in a daze I felt as I was moving in slow motion I was surrounded by family and friends but I felt such emptiness and so alone with my pain and hurt. Everyone I felt was getting on with life I was in a world of my own the pain was and is raw. I want my baby, I want my daughter back my arms ached and still does to hold her, my heart aches to love her.
No parent should have to bury their own child I have never felt so much pain, to watch my partner Jessica’s daddy carry the coffin in which our perfect baby lay and to watch as he lay her to rest the tears in his eyes the pain that we both feel as we visit our daughter with flowers as we remember her our hearts broken for all eternity.
I have come so far since 17th June 2005 although it has been very hard a long road the months following her death I ‘ve cried in the darkness of my depression and anxiousness triggers a whole new wave of heartache the depth of my grief is tremendous.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope: Claire and LeeParents to Jessica Robin Syzdelko...

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope:

Claire and Lee
Parents to Jessica Robin Syzdelko...
: "Claire and Lee Parents to Jessica Robin Syzdelko Stillborn on June 17th, 2005 I got pregnant the first time we tried with Jessica. I had..."